Tuesday, October 16, 2012
On another note, could you pray for Paul and me as we travel this weekend to Virginia? We will be going through training as Project Hope volunteers, and it will be emotional. They are flying us out, but travel is very difficult for me with my fibromyalgia. Thanks!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Consequently, everything seemed to be conspiring against us. The more plans we made to get away, the more stressful everything became. We had stress from work, problems with the boys, and I was in tons of pain. It was like we couldn't get away. Finally, everything came together for us to leave, about two hours later than we had planned on Friday night.
We headed north to Denver, because Paul needed to drop some materials by a business. We were supposed to be there before 7, because the business was closing then. We got lost. Traffic was horrible. We made it about 10 minutes before 7, and the business had already closed. So we had to wait for the owner to show up. Finally, we got to eat some dinner after that, and headed west into the mountains.
The place we had planned to go camping was full. It was dark, and we weren't sure where we were going. So we took off in another direction, and to make a long story short, ended up sleeping in the car at the top of a mountain pass--cold, noisy and in pain from my fibromyalgia.
I just wanted to share this special time with you. I know that sometimes God just does things for us because He loves us. That is what this was, a peek into the Father's heart for his children.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
How often have I hurt my Father in heaven because I don't want Him to be involved in a part of my life where I am sinning? Or even not sinning, but thinking, "I know how to do this God. I don't want You to help me. I don't need You." And the main reason I don't want to hear what He has to say is because I know He'll tell me something I don't want to hear. So many things that Brenna has done to me, I have done to my Father. It's sobering.
In October, my husband and I will be going to training in Virginia. We will be volunteering with Project Hope. They work with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. We will be a source of support for parents of runaways. Keep this in your prayers. I know God will use all things for His glory in this.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
I'm in Jamaica this week with my daughter Erica. I'm trying to rest and take it easy. One thing I'm trying finding is that the hardest thing to do for me is let go. When I do, I am so blessed. But the letting go is hard. You know, so many people do not understand my not searching for Brenna . They think I am uncaring because I am waiting on God. And they want to suggest ways to find her, ways to bring her back. They even yell at me and tell me horrible things that could happen to my beautiful little girl, as if I haven't thought of them already.
What they don't understand is that God is in control, and I'm not. That if I went and got Brenna from where she is, she would just run off again. That Brenna is addicted, and will lie and steal and hurt other people to manipulate the situation until she gets what she wants.
So, once more, we come back to letting go. I have to trust God to do that for me too. I can't do that without His help either. Without Him, I can do nothing. Not even rest...
I praise You, because You are my perfect rest. You have it all under control. I know that when You change hearts, they will be truly changed. Show Your truth to those who are looking for it. Reveal Yourself. In Jesus's name, Amen
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
I read a devotion today about Jesus being in the boat and calming the Sea of Galilee. (Matt. 8:23-27) It is such a difficult concept for me too understand that Jesus didn't stop the storm sooner. I mean, He had to know it was coming. Why did He let the disciples get in the boat? He had to know it was going to storm! This comes down to the heart of my struggle--Why, oh why did He allow all this to happen? He knew it would. I know He is teaching me to trust Him in the storm. You that storm on the sea of Galilee had to have been a doozy! I mean, these are professional fishermen, and they are scared for their lives. And yet, Jesus takes them out in the boat and let's them experience a horrendous storm. Why? So, I guess He trusts me enough to realize He's going to get me through this storm. I don't want Him to stop this until He's accomplished what He set out to do. Lord, help me remain in Your peace. I need it so desperately. But God, please don't let this storm last one second longer than it has to...I've had enough.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Have you ever felt worn out from being so sad? I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength. So what does it say about my strength if I cry all the time? I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I do. And the weird thing is, sometimes the crying, even if I'm sad, is from joy. Does that make sense?? But it's the truth. I feel joy and sadness at the same time. What would you call THAT emotion? I am astounded at the depths and heights I've experienced in this.
Please pray for me. I want more than anything to do what God wants in this. I know that God is still at work, and He will never leave me or forsake me. I know that He has a plan, and He is in control. I will not give up. But I think right now, I just need a break from the pain. It is always there in the back of my mind. It feels similar to how I felt the first year after losing PJ in that it saps my strength. Anyway, thanks for your sharing in this rambling post...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I know at times my faith has been in my works, my prayers, my faith...does that make sense? My faith is in my faith??? That's not what God wants. He wants me to put my faith in Him. That I can't produce faith on my own. That if I pray harder, and He'll act sooner. He has to come through for me. And He will, in His own time and on His own terms. And I can't pray harder and give more and have Him come through faster. He will come through for me, though. He IS my only hope. He is directing my path, and He will come through.
So my question has to be, what do You want from me? Show me, and I will do it. I will wait until You tell me.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Oh, the feelings that are rolling around in my heart today - first God, I want to say that I know that You are a wise and merciful God, and that You took my son for a reason, and that He is with You right now. I know that it has been six years, but the hurt is still fresh at times, and it is more difficult this year because Brenna is not here.I know You know my heart, and how I feel this morning. I also know it says in the word that you were tempted and tested in everything as we are. Father God, is the hurt ever fresh to You? I know You have lost a son as I have, and that You have felt deep sorrow for the loss of Your Son. But, Your Son is with You now, and mine is not. PJ is with You. And now, my daughter is not with me. She's not with You either, although I know You know where she is and how she is. You have told me she will come back to You, and I pray for her several times a day, but she is not where she is supposed to be. At least PJ IS where he is supposed to be.
I guess You have been through this billions of times, literally. How many of Your children have walked away, and then been eternally separated from You? Is what I feel about Brenna close to what You feel about each of those children?
As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. Please, my beloved Father in heaven, bring her back. My pain is beyond measure. The hurt from losing Brenna is more difficult to bear than the hurt of losing PJ. At least PJ is safe and whole in the Father's arms. It has been almost a year since she went away. Please, You are God above all! Bring circumstances into her life that will bring her home to You.
You are Lord of all creation, and I thank You and praise You for all You do, even if I don't understand.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
So, one night I am listening to "The Horse and His Boy". I drift off to sleep, and wake up just as Shasta, the main character, is meeting Aslan. If you haven't read this story, I recommend it highly. It parallels a Christian's journey through difficulties. Here's what it prompted me to write:
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
1. I've already lost a child! Why is this happening to me?
2. She was such a strong little girl while her brother was sick. Her faith was strong. What happened?
3. Could I have done something different? Did I cause this because I didn't see it coming?
4. If I pray hard enough and long enough, surely she will come back. I know Jesus wants her back.
So, I know that those things are not all true, and that I am listening to what Satan wants me to believe. I know that she has a will of her own, and she can make these horrible decisions. I know that only God can fix this, and I just need to do what He tells me to do. So, God, help me let go, and help me do only and exactly what You want me to do. And help me rest in You. Because, it comes down to this--I'm messing it up. I am spending my life going over and over things in my head that I have absolutely no control over. Help me let go.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I have been wandering in a dank, dark forest. Wolves have been nipping at my heels throughout the night. I can smell the leaves rotting on the cold, wet ground. It has been an interminable night. I know that God has been guiding me through this trial, but I have traveled too long, and I am bone weary…
I look up, and slowly, in the distance I perceive a ribbon of pink on the horizon. The dark gray of the night lightens to reveal spaces between the trees that surround me. A warm breeze carries the scent of wildflowers to me, and shafts of golden sunlight pierce the darkness.
A melody begins. A sweet alto voice calls out to all that God is faithful. She is joined by a clear tenor, followed by a warm, rich bass.
I step into the clearing, and the warmth of the sun envelops me. I join my soprano with the harmony of the beauty God has created. More people emerge from the darkness and step into the light. We all raise our voices to the One who has brought us through the night. A dance of praise to Him begins. Our fatigue melts away as we are given perfect rest. The night is finally over and God has brought us through.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
God, give me the faith to keep going, even when I don't feel like it...