It's Been a Year Since Brenna Ran Away

I've kind of been hiding out the last few days.  I don't want to talk to people, because I'm afraid I'll cry.  You see, I've always felt like I must be strong. I am also very weepy.  Just in general, as a person, I weep at the drop of a hat.  I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I worship God.  I cry if I hear beautiful music.  So, in order to keep from crying in public, I hide out when I feel this way.  Frankly, sometimes I'm just tired of crying.

Have you ever felt worn out from being so sad?   I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength.  So what does it say about my strength if I cry all the time?  I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I do.  And the weird thing is, sometimes the crying, even if I'm sad, is from joy.  Does that make sense??  But it's the truth.  I feel joy and sadness at the same time.  What would you call THAT emotion?  I am astounded at the depths and heights I've experienced in this.

Please pray for me.  I want more than anything to do what God wants in this.  I know that God is still at work, and He will never leave me or forsake me.  I know that He has a plan, and He is in control.  I will not give up.  But I think right now, I just need a break from the pain. It is always there in the back of my mind.  It feels similar to how I felt the first year after losing PJ in that it saps my strength.  Anyway, thanks for your sharing in this rambling post...

Major Question: What am I putting my faith in?

I am currently reading a book called Hope Being Gone, by Cherie Hill.  I got it on my Kindle for free.  It keeps coming back to the same question--What do you do when you have run out of hope?  She believes that God places us in positions of hopelessness to build our faith.  She also says that we don't NEED a lot of faith.  That it is not the amount of faith that we have, but the object of our faith.  It has made me question myself.  Who or what is my faith in?

I know at times my faith has been in my works, my prayers, my faith...does that make sense?  My faith is in my faith???  That's not what God wants.  He wants me to put my faith in Him.  That I can't produce faith on my own.  That if I pray harder, and He'll act sooner.  He has to come through for me.  And He will, in His own time and on His own terms.  And I can't pray harder and give more and have Him come through faster.  He will come through for me, though.  He IS my only hope.  He is directing my path, and He will come through.

So my question has to be, what do You want from me?  Show me, and I will do it.  I will wait until You tell me.

6 Years Ago Today PJ Went to Heaven

My dearest Lord and Savior,

Oh, the feelings that are rolling around in my heart today - first God, I want to say that I know that You are a wise and merciful God, and that You took my son for a reason, and that He is with You right now.  I know that it has been six years, but the hurt is still fresh at times, and it is more difficult this year because Brenna is not here.I know You know my heart, and how I feel this morning.  I also know it says in the word that you were tempted and tested in everything as we are.  Father God, is the hurt ever fresh to You?  I know You have lost a son as I have, and that You have felt deep sorrow for the loss of Your Son.  But, Your Son is with You now, and mine is not.  PJ is with You.  And now, my daughter is not with me.  She's not with You either, although I know You know where she is and how she is.  You have told me she will come back to You, and I pray for her several times a day, but she is not where she is supposed to be.  At least PJ IS where he is supposed to be.

I guess You have been through this billions of times, literally.  How many of Your children have walked away, and then been eternally separated from You?  Is what I feel about Brenna close to what You feel about each of those children?

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face.  Please, my beloved Father in heaven, bring her back. My pain is beyond measure.  The hurt from losing Brenna is more difficult to bear than the hurt of losing PJ.  At least PJ is safe and whole in the Father's arms. It has been almost a year since she went away.  Please, You are God above all!  Bring circumstances into her life that will bring her home to You.

You are Lord of all creation, and I thank You and praise You for all You do, even if I don't understand.

The Horse and His Boy, by C. S. Lewis

I have a habit of listening to my mp3 player when I wake up in the middle of the night, and can't sleep. I have dealt with insomnia for almost 18 years now.  It is one of the symptoms of fibromyalgia, and I have learned to live with it.  One of the main things I listen to is the Chronicles of Narnia.  I know the stories so well, and I can usually drift off to sleep.

So, one night I am listening to "The Horse and His Boy".  I drift off to sleep, and wake up just as Shasta, the main character, is meeting Aslan.  If you haven't read this story, I recommend it highly.  It parallels a Christian's journey through difficulties.  Here's what it prompted me to write:

Inspired by: The Horse and His Boy, by C.S. Lewis

I am Shasta, coming over the mountain pass.  I have stumbled upon it blindly, and entered the dark night of the soul.

HE is there, waiting for me, walking alongside, guarding me from the cliff's edge, yet mysteriously hidden from my eyes.

HE asks me my sorrows, and I tell him:

My son is dead.  My daughter is missing. My physical pain is always with me. I have done Your work, and seen little reward.  My journey has made me afraid, and I feel lost and alone.

And yet – You are the one who has walked this journey with me.  You have pushed me to join my companions, who have become true friends.  You have saved me countless times from harm.  You have comforted me when I have had no one else.

You take the pain, the sorrow, the hurt and the fear – the deep dark core of my pain – You draw it out of me and You heal me.

Your light dissipates the clouds that have hidden Your beauty.  And I find in the afterglow of Your magnificent presence that I am home.

Let Go, and Let God Do It

My biggest struggle lately is letting go. I'm afraid. It is so hard for me to give Brenna to God. Here are the things that go over and over in my mind:

1. I've already lost a child! Why is this happening to me?
2. She was such a strong little girl while her brother was sick. Her faith was strong. What happened?
3. Could I have done something different? Did I cause this because I didn't see it coming?
4. If I pray hard enough and long enough, surely she will come back. I know Jesus wants her back.

So, I know that those things are not all true, and that I am listening to what Satan wants me to believe. I know that she has a will of her own, and she can make these horrible decisions. I know that only God can fix this, and I just need to do what He tells me to do. So, God, help me let go, and help me do only and exactly what You want me to do. And help me rest in You. Because, it comes down to this--I'm messing it up. I am spending my life going over and over things in my head that I have absolutely no control over. Help me let go.

Ways to worship

One of the things our pastor talked about yesterday is worshiping God using our talents. This is my attempt to do that. I would like to add a couple of posts here that are short writings that I have done in response to what God has said to me. The following was given to me as I was worshiping after losing my son to leukemia. I had been struggling for almost 5 years with his death, and the consequences to my family following that death. My family was still reeling from the hurt. I hope that someone else can feel the change that God intends for each of us as we struggle:

Into the Clearing

I have been wandering in a dank, dark forest. Wolves have been nipping at my heels throughout the night. I can smell the leaves rotting on the cold, wet ground. It has been an interminable night. I know that God has been guiding me through this trial, but I have traveled too long, and I am bone weary…

I look up, and slowly, in the distance I perceive a ribbon of pink on the horizon. The dark gray of the night lightens to reveal spaces between the trees that surround me. A warm breeze carries the scent of wildflowers to me, and shafts of golden sunlight pierce the darkness.

A melody begins. A sweet alto voice calls out to all that God is faithful. She is joined by a clear tenor, followed by a warm, rich bass.

I step into the clearing, and the warmth of the sun envelops me. I join my soprano with the harmony of the beauty God has created. More people emerge from the darkness and step into the light. We all raise our voices to the One who has brought us through the night. A dance of praise to Him begins. Our fatigue melts away as we are given perfect rest. The night is finally over and God has brought us through.

Daily Audio Bible

My life has changed since listening to the Daily Audio Bible podcast. (www.dailyaudiobible.com) This last year, I have been through so much. My 17 year old daughter is missing. We have a house that has been on the market for 4 years now, and we are in such financial straits because of it. One thing has remained--God is faithful. He does not let go of us. He is mighty to save. Just because He does not save when and how we want Him to save does not mean that He does not save us. The hard part is the waiting. The community at DAB has been there for me, along with my local church. We, as Christians, need to start supporting each other, or we will not make it.

God, give me the faith to keep going, even when I don't feel like it...