Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jesus is not here to keep the storms from coming.

I read a devotion today about Jesus being in the boat and calming the Sea of Galilee. (Matt. 8:23-27)  It is such a difficult concept for me too understand that Jesus didn't stop the storm sooner.  I mean, He had to know it was coming. Why did He let the disciples get in the boat?  He had to know it was going to storm! This comes down to the heart of my struggle--Why, oh why did He allow all this to happen? He knew it would. I know He is teaching me to trust Him in the storm. You that storm on the sea of Galilee had to have been a doozy! I mean, these are professional fishermen, and they are scared for their lives. And yet, Jesus takes them out in the boat and let's them experience a horrendous storm. Why? So, I guess He trusts me enough to realize He's going to get me through this storm.  I don't want Him to stop this until He's accomplished what He set out to do. Lord, help me remain in Your peace. I need it so desperately. But God, please don't let this storm last one second longer than it has to...I've had enough.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

It's Been a Year Since Brenna Ran Away

I've kind of been hiding out the last few days.  I don't want to talk to people, because I'm afraid I'll cry.  You see, I've always felt like I must be strong. I am also very weepy.  Just in general, as a person, I weep at the drop of a hat.  I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I worship God.  I cry if I hear beautiful music.  So, in order to keep from crying in public, I hide out when I feel this way.  Frankly, sometimes I'm just tired of crying.

Have you ever felt worn out from being so sad?   I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength.  So what does it say about my strength if I cry all the time?  I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I do.  And the weird thing is, sometimes the crying, even if I'm sad, is from joy.  Does that make sense??  But it's the truth.  I feel joy and sadness at the same time.  What would you call THAT emotion?  I am astounded at the depths and heights I've experienced in this.

Please pray for me.  I want more than anything to do what God wants in this.  I know that God is still at work, and He will never leave me or forsake me.  I know that He has a plan, and He is in control.  I will not give up.  But I think right now, I just need a break from the pain. It is always there in the back of my mind.  It feels similar to how I felt the first year after losing PJ in that it saps my strength.  Anyway, thanks for your sharing in this rambling post...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Major Question: What am I putting my faith in?

I am currently reading a book called Hope Being Gone, by Cherie Hill.  I got it on my Kindle for free.  It keeps coming back to the same question--What do you do when you have run out of hope?  She believes that God places us in positions of hopelessness to build our faith.  She also says that we don't NEED a lot of faith.  That it is not the amount of faith that we have, but the object of our faith.  It has made me question myself.  Who or what is my faith in?

I know at times my faith has been in my works, my prayers, my faith...does that make sense?  My faith is in my faith???  That's not what God wants.  He wants me to put my faith in Him.  That I can't produce faith on my own.  That if I pray harder, and He'll act sooner.  He has to come through for me.  And He will, in His own time and on His own terms.  And I can't pray harder and give more and have Him come through faster.  He will come through for me, though.  He IS my only hope.  He is directing my path, and He will come through.

So my question has to be, what do You want from me?  Show me, and I will do it.  I will wait until You tell me.