Saturday, April 28, 2012
Oh, the feelings that are rolling around in my heart today - first God, I want to say that I know that You are a wise and merciful God, and that You took my son for a reason, and that He is with You right now. I know that it has been six years, but the hurt is still fresh at times, and it is more difficult this year because Brenna is not here.I know You know my heart, and how I feel this morning. I also know it says in the word that you were tempted and tested in everything as we are. Father God, is the hurt ever fresh to You? I know You have lost a son as I have, and that You have felt deep sorrow for the loss of Your Son. But, Your Son is with You now, and mine is not. PJ is with You. And now, my daughter is not with me. She's not with You either, although I know You know where she is and how she is. You have told me she will come back to You, and I pray for her several times a day, but she is not where she is supposed to be. At least PJ IS where he is supposed to be.
I guess You have been through this billions of times, literally. How many of Your children have walked away, and then been eternally separated from You? Is what I feel about Brenna close to what You feel about each of those children?
As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. Please, my beloved Father in heaven, bring her back. My pain is beyond measure. The hurt from losing Brenna is more difficult to bear than the hurt of losing PJ. At least PJ is safe and whole in the Father's arms. It has been almost a year since she went away. Please, You are God above all! Bring circumstances into her life that will bring her home to You.
You are Lord of all creation, and I thank You and praise You for all You do, even if I don't understand.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
So, one night I am listening to "The Horse and His Boy". I drift off to sleep, and wake up just as Shasta, the main character, is meeting Aslan. If you haven't read this story, I recommend it highly. It parallels a Christian's journey through difficulties. Here's what it prompted me to write:
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
1. I've already lost a child! Why is this happening to me?
2. She was such a strong little girl while her brother was sick. Her faith was strong. What happened?
3. Could I have done something different? Did I cause this because I didn't see it coming?
4. If I pray hard enough and long enough, surely she will come back. I know Jesus wants her back.
So, I know that those things are not all true, and that I am listening to what Satan wants me to believe. I know that she has a will of her own, and she can make these horrible decisions. I know that only God can fix this, and I just need to do what He tells me to do. So, God, help me let go, and help me do only and exactly what You want me to do. And help me rest in You. Because, it comes down to this--I'm messing it up. I am spending my life going over and over things in my head that I have absolutely no control over. Help me let go.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I have been wandering in a dank, dark forest. Wolves have been nipping at my heels throughout the night. I can smell the leaves rotting on the cold, wet ground. It has been an interminable night. I know that God has been guiding me through this trial, but I have traveled too long, and I am bone weary…
I look up, and slowly, in the distance I perceive a ribbon of pink on the horizon. The dark gray of the night lightens to reveal spaces between the trees that surround me. A warm breeze carries the scent of wildflowers to me, and shafts of golden sunlight pierce the darkness.
A melody begins. A sweet alto voice calls out to all that God is faithful. She is joined by a clear tenor, followed by a warm, rich bass.
I step into the clearing, and the warmth of the sun envelops me. I join my soprano with the harmony of the beauty God has created. More people emerge from the darkness and step into the light. We all raise our voices to the One who has brought us through the night. A dance of praise to Him begins. Our fatigue melts away as we are given perfect rest. The night is finally over and God has brought us through.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
God, give me the faith to keep going, even when I don't feel like it...